a friend

Her eyes were pleading, as if to say 
“I wish I had corrupted more people”,
As if she had clambered into others and left
Roses instead of decaying steel,
Roses that would disintegrate into the wind.

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Jars

I collect jars – see through, lightweight and almost impossible to hold. I fill them up with anything find, poking holes in the top of the lids, just to make sure the lights buzzing inside don’t die out. I’m not really sure what these lights are, or I guess what I mean to say is they’re not any particular one thing. They’re your sock wrapped up in my sheets, so lost that you have to go home with one bare leg under your pants. No one knows that, except for me.

That’s the best part about these jars – they look pretty from the outside, but they’re just for me to understand. Oh, the light that’s glowing a little dimmer over there? That’s the lollipop the dentist gave me when I was six, that actually chipped by tooth, which sent me straight back into his chair. Greatest marketing scheme ever, I have to say.

I collect jars – they line the shelves of my mind, arranged chronologically. Usually the ones furthest away can hardly be seen anymore, but everything is relative. Some of those that are almost out of reach burn the brightest. Strangely enough, one of those is when you tore my favourite blanket in half when I was 5. A little nearer is one when I accidentally spilt water on your laptop. And most the brightest one of all is when you left me/when I lost you.

Process of Elimination

When it comes down to it, that’s all anyone’s life ever is. it’s all any decision ever is. In choosing to do something you have to eliminate the possibility to do something else.

You know that weekend, when you chose to spend both nights inebriated thinking Sunday would be more than enough time to finish the stacks of work awaiting you? Yeah, that weekend. Those multiple weekends. You eliminated your opportunities to maybe do what you should’ve, in the form of what was due first thing monday.

That decision you made to go to the gym? You eliminated the possibility of you staying home and watching Bridget Jones while throwing chocolates at the T.V., crying about your failed relationship when, let’s be honest, half the time there isn’t a relationship to begin with. Good choice, by the way, you eliminated correctly.

And that time you kissed that random thirty year old whose face has become a blur and whose name was never even brought up. You chose not to stay with your friends and dance, but to veer away from your original plans. You eliminated the possibility of going home alone because you were in too much of a need for affection it didn’t seem like it was going to happen.

You never really know what the right choice is in life though. This isn’t the SATs, where there’s a fixed answer. There is only one way to know if anything is 100%, and that’s when there isn’t another choice at all.

When you question whether you should be with someone, you have to consider the possibility that you cease being with them. Is that worth it? I guess you could say that, quite simply, you love them. But how do you know that? You know that when you can’t imagine not loving them, or not being with them. You know they’re the right person when there isn’t another choice to eliminate.

And in situations like this, you’re the only person who will ever know if what you did is the right thing to do. That’s what makes it so difficult – knowing that you’re putting all of your faith into yourself, hoping that you didn’t overlook what could change your day, your year, or maybe your life.