The Story of a Long Distance Romance

How much can you miss a person before seeing them doesn’t make it worth it? Are you allowed to hurt this much – is the next meeting going to justify the pain you feel now? I can’t tell if, as the number gets smaller and fewer hours separate our meeting, it gets any easier. The weight of expectation is pricking holes down my arteries and it’s getting harder to breathe. If I see you and you can’t fix me, I’m going to fall apart.

I’ve weaved myself into a trap of cliched writing. The stereotypical debate is as follows: Is it easier to let go or to hold on. And I can’t let go – I don’t want to. But this pent up frustration and anger, like a wasp stinging me every time some semblance of hope crops up on the horizon; I’m not sure how long more I can take.

So I grip onto the silken thread you’ve left for me to hold onto. They say a spider’s web is stronger than you could ever expect from something so delicate you know? I’ll drag myself up, time and time again, a divide cracking me in half and I’m not sure if it’s physical or my own shortcomings.

Your happiness wraps me up like a warm bath that keeps getting hotter, searing my skin and I’m burnt. Charcoal flakes off me and in the morning I’m new for an imaginary instance.



I went to my cousin’s wedding this past weekend. Not to my surprise, nor to the surprise of others, I managed to forgot the last hour of the night. Champagne is my kryptonite – what can I say? I’m a spoilt, light-weight cheap drunk. Nevertheless, prior to this wonderful bubbly induced oblivion. I realized a lot, although it was clouded over by a haze of joyous banter and unrestrained dancing to Billy Jean (who is most certainly not my lover).

I was surrounded by couples; genuinely a maze of relationships, all of which, ridiculously enough, had lasted longer than 6 years. Even my 21 year old cousin had been seeing his girlfriend since he was 14 – I never realized it before this weekend, but my family has a tendency for long relationships. My parents have been married for 23 years now (their anniversary was on the first of this month, strangely enough), and before that, my mum was in a 10 year relationship. 

Despite the obvious fact I had a boyfriend, my aunts and uncles joked around (I hope!) and offered to set me up with a rather good looking friend of our entire extended family. I may be as committed as any girlfriend could be, but let’s be honest, I can appreciate a fine specimen when I see them. It was funny – I bummed a cig off of him behind by relatives backs, we stole ice-cream from the children’s’ room and downed the last two glasses of white wine (yes, a little variety in my alcoholic diet).

Nevertheless, the only person on my mind was Joe. I called him, from Malaysia, to the USA. I hardly remember it, but even when considering how bloody expensive that call is going to be, I regret nothing. I’m quite sure that I was happiest when listening to the sound of his voice – obviously my first realization of the night was how much I missed him. I missed him while I dressed up, while I made my way through ten courses, when I was foolishly dancing. I had no one there that meant enough to me for me to want to impress them, nobody to laugh at my food baby, no one to give me kisses when I stumbled back into my hotel room.

When people weren’t trying to set me up, they were asking me when I was going to get married. Would the wedding be in Hong Kong? Singapore? Malaysia? Canada? Ridiculous questions to ask a seventeen year old, who hasn’t even been to university yet. A little strange, and very stifling. The next realization that I came to was about my family – they didn’t expect fleeting relationships, and they didn’t see this as a fleeting relationship at all. I’m a little bit scared now.

But most of all, I suppose I’m a little bit happy. I love weddings – I want a big one, white gown, church, getting walked down the aisle, a full banquet and all the people I love in the world around me. This weekend just emphasized that. I don’t care if you can get a divorce readily these days, I don’t care if people think weddings are social constructs that mean nothing. I love weddings because you won’t find more love anywhere else in the world. I love weddings because everyone there, divorced, widowed, single, engaged – no matter what they are, is recognizing the presence of love. Maybe this doesn’t apply to arranged marriages, but let’s assume that those aren’t included here. The main reasons I love weddings is because, in a world that can be so cold, weddings are like a brick framed fireplace, a mug of hot chocolate, an electric blanket or a snuggie. I wrap myself up in weddings – I wrap myself up in the idealistic fantasy that I too will one day experience a day of which its purpose is simply love. 


Today was such a great day, despite the huge amount of work I received. I’m so incredibly happy right now.


  • I got a 7 on my philosophy essay
  • My chemistry teacher was in a super mood
  • I handed in my World Lit plan
  • The debate in history was pretty easy because no one really knew what was happening
  • I had chocolates at the Shangrila
  • I ran 6.5km in under 38 minutes (new best time!)
  • I Had pan seared scallops and a poached egg on a bed of arugula with truffle oil
  • I Talked to a new friend
  • I Skyped with my favourite boy for an hour
  • I Cooked pasta salad and quinoa
  • More than half of my philosophy reading was finished

And now I’m eating greek yoghurt and vanilla granola in bed. Also I have lost 1.5kg in the last 3 weeks and I am feeling significantly fitter and happier with myself.

Off to sleep for me now! Just had to ramble on about my newfound happiness. And for anyone who reads this, 55 days left until Christmas!

(And just for me, 53 days until I get my first present)

So life has been a bit of a shit. Therefore I have been a bit of a shit. As such, I’m writing this post more as a reminder that life isn’t that bad, even though the supermarket ran out of Orzo, I have 3 mosquito bites ON MY FACE and I’m still not talking to my mother. I don’t think most people on this list are going to read this list but maybe one day they will. I tend to do this every time I get a new wordpress, but I always end up deleting them. Hopefully I won’t delete this wordpress. It seems unnecessarily symbolic doing so.

my sister:

She has quite literally been the most incredible support system I could ever, ever hope to have, and there is no person in this world who I love more/could ever love more than I love her. I wish I could put in words, either poetry or prose, but I struggle to every time I try. Selfless when I need her to be, selfless when I don’t. She verbally slaps me in the face when I’m being an idiot, and she’s literally the only person who ever does that. I’m not sure what I would do without her, in the frankest of senses I think I’d quite literally be dead. She’s the best person I know and is probably the only person who I can honestly say I would do anything for (including shooting 50 people, but she’d never let me do that). If she doesn’t have time for me, which I think is much of the time, she makes time for me. She’s intelligent, in every sense of the world, and the hardest worker I’ve ever met. Everything she achieves, she works hard for, and that includes relationships. No one deserves her. In my opinion, no one is good enough. How funny that is to say considering she is the elder sister. I should hope she’d think that of me, but she’s kind of morally and intellectually on a level above most of the population so my statement actually holds some truth. Maybe I’ll send this to her one day, or I’ll link her this post. To be fair, I tell her she’s amazing everyday because she is amazing everyday, almost ridiculously so.

my boyfriend:

I was talking to someone yesterday and we both agreed that relationships that last always come when you least expect it. Definitely didn’t see this one coming, and honestly, didn’t see it lasting either. Who knew? As much as I write poetry, or I rant, or I cry, I always turn around and he’s there. Well, this is definitely in the figurative sense since he now lives in Georgia…. In America……so just under 10000 miles away. I always knew he was nice, he was kind, he was friendly yadayadayada. In fact, when my best friend talked about him for the first time as a friend of her brother, I jokingly said that I’d make him fall in love with me if we ever met. This seemed highly unlikely considering he was head over heels for someone else, but I’ll save that for another time. We met alright, but I guess I fell with him. Joe has been incredible, and looking at this relationship now, I know that no matter happens, I would never regret a thing. He has unfailingly supported me. Even when I know I’m wrong,  he gives me time to work that out for myself, perhaps with a little prodding in the right direction. He just doesn’t stop taking care of me, or letting me know he loves me, and that’s much much more than I could ever ask for, and much more than I expect. Most of all he brings out the best in me and even when I push him away, even if we don’t talk for days, I know he’s there, and there’s nothing more reassuring than that in the world.

my bestfriend(s):

Jovanka is an absolute wonder to me, who, quite honestly, I will never understand. (by the way, before I continue, she is quite the poet, so check her out at I genuinely cannot help but admire her ability to compartmentalize and dissolve any overtly saturated feelings or at least manage them in front of other people. It’s a skill I have yet to/should seriously learn considering I cry every 3 seconds or so regardless of who’s in the room. I love her to pieces, and I love her satirical honesty (strange way to describe it, but you would understand it if you met her). Even if what she says sometimes gets me really pissed off, she has my best intentions at heart and I always know that even if I’m a fuck about it (so if you read this, there you go!) I’m so thankful for her, especially over the last year or so now, I’ve gone through shit and she still loves me. But bitch if you read this make use of your ice-cream machine or I will most definitely take it back. Love ♡

Shanay has been a part of my life since I don’t know when – but it’s probably a good idea that I don’t try too hard to wrap my head around it. We’ve had fights and all that but she’s the kind of best friend who will take care of you and love you and always always want the best for you, so even when I disagree with her, I never get mad at her. There have been times where I haven’t always been the best friend to her, but I think I’ve learned my lesson, and honestly would not want to ever not be one of her best friends. I love her so much, and I definitely have times where she is the only person I want to talk to. I’ve had a lot of those days recently actually, and so I guess this post is all the more relevant. She’s the one person I am always more than willing to help, no matter what I’m helping with, because she has unconditionally helped me, and more than anything, she keeps me grounded and feeds me food when I’ve drank too much. What more could you ask for?

Louise, Where do I even start with Louise. I haven’t skyped her in 2 weeks. There’s a reminder that I need to in the next hour. Since fifth grade I think it has been. We didn’t start off as best friends, but maybe it’s better that way. It was only until right before she left that I truly realized how incredible she actually was – I wish I had realized earlier. I miss her so much, and its strange that this year I don’t have the three of the people I need the most in my life around me (My Sister, Joe, Louise). I guess I have skype (I should become a spokesperson). The 10 days I had in London last summer were the best 10 days of my life, just exploring my favourite city in the world with my favourite friend. Thank you for letting me stay at your house and for being amazing and always having my back, even over bbm. You are an incredible human being, yes you are, and ridiculously smart. So much love for my favourite girl who has to come home to see me.

Hello Olivier, how’s my favourite Dutch person in the whole world? Oli is incredible, I don’t really know how to explain it. He’s surprisingly sensitive to my mood swings and always just a hug and whiff of Abercrombie perfume away to making my day a million times better. I love Oli and I know I always will. Of all the people in the world, despite his slight awkwardness when I’m ridiculously drunk and showering him with affection, he is always willing to give me that hug. Always willing to take that extra cab ride to meet me for a sandwich or a coffee. I probably should see him more, and I definitely want to. Always there to talk to, but never pushes me to talk. That’s probably what I like the most about him – his friendship isn’t intrusive at all, but it is always present. He cares about me, and I know that (unless I’m completely off base). Inviting me to his parents leaving party meant so much more to me than I think he realized/realizes now. I’d light candles all the way down his driveway at the expense of my legs to mosquitos everyday if that’s what it took to keep him around.

(definition of our friendship below)

Jessie is possibly one of the most outgoing, one of the funniest and one of the most reliable people I’ve met in a long time (i.e. ever considering I’m only 17). She offers honest, perfectly personal and often hilarious advice that actually works. She kicks my ass when I’m down and she always somehow manages to make me make the most of the situation. She tells me when she understands, and lets me know when she doesn’t. Never does she take my friendship for granted, and never will I hers. We haven’t always been close, but this year has shown me how valuable she is to have as a friend. It’s even better that she lives a casual 10 minute walk away and has an extra room in her house for me to stay in. Kind of perfect really. Her mum is also flipping cool and I love them both.

Emma and I have definitely had our ups and downs, round and rounds and god knows what else, but who else do I have to turn around to to have a good time? Every night out with Emma is a good night out, and I run to her house whenever I feel upset, which is a lot. So I’m there. A lot. And no one is ever half as willing to have a stiff drink with me! Which is quite surprising, but, as bad as this sounds, Emma is the most incredible person at getting me perfectly drunk and perfectly willing to be happy. Her carefree nature is something I seriously need in my life, and probably will always need. Take things a little less seriously, live a little like Emma, but care a fuck load where it matters. That’s the way I see her, and I love her for it. If people (myself included) lived a little bit more like her, I think we’d be a hell of a lot happier.

Pear Mountain (or Li Shan hehe). Well we haven’t always been close either. In fact, we have been through a couple of fights, but I guess we became better friends for it. She cares so much for everything worth caring about, and she’s not afraid to let people know that, nor is she afraid of letting people know when they are being stupid, or aren’t wanted around at all. I’m still amazed that she’s my friend at all, not in a bad way, just that it amazes me how much she cares. More than anyone else, I think she understands me, especially in all things relationship based, just because she has been there, done that, and I thank god that I have her around this year, because when the going gets tough, Li Shan gets tough with the going.

(Naht the best photo of me, but Leesh looks stunning and I can’t find another recent one 😦 )

Raoul Benjo is pretty funny. Naht even pretty funny. Very funny. Ridiculously so. A bit of an asshole too, but I only say that because sometimes his honestly hurts. At least you always know he’s being honest, and he’s always amazing either way. He’s wittier than most, almost all people I know, and we haven’t talked much recently, but the reason I love him so much is because he’ll be there when I need him to be there, and he’ll tell me I’m fishing for compliments when I am. If someone were going to tell you that you’d gained weight, it would be Raoul, and thank god he would. Who else would I turn to to tell me I’m being a pathetic bitch? I love him so much for that, he’ll hate on me for being cheesy but fuck that. Hi Raoul, go have a wank, you deserve it.

In the words of Borat, or one of Sacha’s movies: wa wa wee wa is the only way to describe Tamawa (actually Tamara, but for the sake of my meager joke). She’s been coming to my Christmas Eve dinners and I’ve been going to her Christmas Day lunches since the sixth grade, and let me tell you, there is noone better to share a cold turkey leftover sandwich with than Tamara Cave Jones. She’s actually so incredibly stunning inside in out, and I’m so happy she’s happy and I can’t even find any words to describe her. She’s pretty amazing. Definitely owe her half of my nights out.

Really need to get around to talking to Gyeong Yeon more, since I haven’t had a proper conversation or dinner or anything with him in the longest time. You know that one friend who you wish you could hate because they are perfect. At everything? Yeah. That’s Josh. Art, music, drama, math, physics I want to vomit on him right now he is so incredible. And an incredible person too. Hilarious and so outspoken, so confident in who he is, god knows how much I love him and always have. Even when we weren’t friends, I wanted to be friends with him. Thank god we’re friends now or I’d be clinging onto his coat tails trying to become his friend. He’s always there even when he’s in Korea, and I will always always feed him if he needs me to (which is always…. so I do.)

Tanmaya Kabraaa I’ve probably known you for the shortest amout of time but boy oh boy do I loooooveee you. I probably stay in touch with you more than anyone overseas (save maybe Joe, but only maybe). Thank you for hardly knowing me, but still not mocking me (too much) for telling you about not remembering drinks, parties, sex anything because I was too drunk. That hasn’t happened in a while, so I guess I’ll have to step up my game. Go hard or go home in Babson. Preferably go home i.e. come home because I miss you :’) (Also, a brilliant wildlife photographer and blogger so check him out here and here)

A Public Personal Bucket List

(Starting with the generic)

  • Kiss someone I really care about really really hard in the rain
  • Slow dance with someone to Sparks-Coldplay, Transatlanticism-Death Cab for Cutie, Falling Slowly-Glen Hansard and Marketa Irglova, Flume-Bon Iver (the list goes on, I’ll stop now)
  • Make a perfect batch of vanilla creme and/or pistachio macarons 
  • Have 2-4 children 
  • Actually be able to communicate in a language other than English
  • Learn to paint the nails on my right hand with my left hand
  • Get through War and Peace from start to end without starting another book
  • Have sex in an igloo
  • Watch all 8 Harry Potter movies in a row without leaving the vicinity of one room (including the adjoining bathroom, obviously)
  • Draw something that looks relatively realistic, because let’s face it, I can’t draw for anything.
  • Cook a perfect lobster paella
  • Have something published, somewhere
  • Learn to love Hamlet
  • Go to EZoo, EDC, UMF and Tomorrowland 
  • Go to the above all in the space of one year
  • Learn to love broccoli
  • Plant a tree somewhere and name it after someone I love
  • Go to the Maldives
  • Graduate with a 45 (one shot at this)
  • Go back to the Himalayas at least one more time
  • Get married
  • Sit through one of Michael Sandel’s lectures
  • Get into Columbia and/or Yale, and go to Columbia or Yale
  • Have difficulty making the above decision
  • Run a marathon
  • Eat at Per Se, The Fat Duck, L’Atelier Saint-Germain de Joel Robuchon 
  • Spend a full 24 hours straight in Starbucks
  • Spend a full 24 hours pretending to be someone completely made up
  • Go on a Eurotrip with my best friends
  • Road trip through the Rockies again with my family now, and once more with my children
  • Live in South America for at least a year
  • Hug a Penguin
  • Wake up next to the same person for and undefinable period of time
  • Love that someone
  • Lie under a waterfall again
  • Camp in the woods 
  • Write a poem and/or short story high
  • Make a piece of my own clothing
  • Visit Antarctica
  • Be Maid of Honour at someone else’s wedding
  • Get over my fear of falling
  • Stay friends with someone for life
  • Be one of those old ladies who drink martinis at Sunday Brunch surrounded by friends
  • Get a scholarship
  • Come up with a new word that makes it into the dictionary