it must be.

Lukewarm and silky, the water kissed my cheeks,

Brushed the sleep from my eyes, lifted the corners of my lips.

 

A step out, a frozen gasp, the bitter chills.

Old insecurity seeps out, new insecurity seeps in.

 

The water dries up, the pressure of heat 

Pressing onto my shoulders, I bend,

 

I break. Piece myself together, become the puzzle,

Fragmented but whole. Sweet dismemberment, tender deceit.

 

Crawl back – crawl back to the pool,

A toe first, then a leg. Submerged, the realization:

 

It was all in your mind, the heat a passing dalliance.

The water must be/it must be/it has to be.

rambles/

Today was such a great day, despite the huge amount of work I received. I’m so incredibly happy right now.

Today:

  • I got a 7 on my philosophy essay
  • My chemistry teacher was in a super mood
  • I handed in my World Lit plan
  • The debate in history was pretty easy because no one really knew what was happening
  • I had chocolates at the Shangrila
  • I ran 6.5km in under 38 minutes (new best time!)
  • I Had pan seared scallops and a poached egg on a bed of arugula with truffle oil
  • I Talked to a new friend
  • I Skyped with my favourite boy for an hour
  • I Cooked pasta salad and quinoa
  • More than half of my philosophy reading was finished

And now I’m eating greek yoghurt and vanilla granola in bed. Also I have lost 1.5kg in the last 3 weeks and I am feeling significantly fitter and happier with myself.

Off to sleep for me now! Just had to ramble on about my newfound happiness. And for anyone who reads this, 55 days left until Christmas!

(And just for me, 53 days until I get my first present)

gifts

I wear you on my wrist,

The stretched out elastic shells

as soothing as the gleaming silver.

On my ears, the crooked aquamarine a

Reminder I won’t straighten.

You nibble at my ears from miles away.

I wait for the bite, the bruise,

the lingering smell of you on me,

the scent of you and me.

Shrouded in intoxicating idealism,

A spiked environment of numbing hope.

 

eternal return

It matters not to anyone,

or anything at all.

As fleeting as a strobe light in a club,

and shining just as brightly.

 

I offered you a shoulder,

You responded with a word.

If everything were to happen again,

Would anything appear at all?

 

Perfectly in time, a

Crescendo, some blinking alarms

Too obvious to miss.

It may not have happened, but it did.

 

And it keeps happening, 

A new crescendo, a new return.

Infinite repetitions, 

 

Jars

I collect jars – see through, lightweight and almost impossible to hold. I fill them up with anything find, poking holes in the top of the lids, just to make sure the lights buzzing inside don’t die out. I’m not really sure what these lights are, or I guess what I mean to say is they’re not any particular one thing. They’re your sock wrapped up in my sheets, so lost that you have to go home with one bare leg under your pants. No one knows that, except for me.

That’s the best part about these jars – they look pretty from the outside, but they’re just for me to understand. Oh, the light that’s glowing a little dimmer over there? That’s the lollipop the dentist gave me when I was six, that actually chipped by tooth, which sent me straight back into his chair. Greatest marketing scheme ever, I have to say.

I collect jars – they line the shelves of my mind, arranged chronologically. Usually the ones furthest away can hardly be seen anymore, but everything is relative. Some of those that are almost out of reach burn the brightest. Strangely enough, one of those is when you tore my favourite blanket in half when I was 5. A little nearer is one when I accidentally spilt water on your laptop. And most the brightest one of all is when you left me/when I lost you.

bitter

Sour milk curdling at the corners of my mouth.

Was it necessary for you to think 

That I need you to live vicariously through?

I’ll spit it out and wipe it away,

But a crust will form and it’ll grow more and more

Bitter. 

 

I’ll wipe you clean and put you away,

Numb myself to your cheerful razors.

Still bitter, always bitter.

But maybe I just miss you.

So life has been a bit of a shit. Therefore I have been a bit of a shit. As such, I’m writing this post more as a reminder that life isn’t that bad, even though the supermarket ran out of Orzo, I have 3 mosquito bites ON MY FACE and I’m still not talking to my mother. I don’t think most people on this list are going to read this list but maybe one day they will. I tend to do this every time I get a new wordpress, but I always end up deleting them. Hopefully I won’t delete this wordpress. It seems unnecessarily symbolic doing so.

my sister:

She has quite literally been the most incredible support system I could ever, ever hope to have, and there is no person in this world who I love more/could ever love more than I love her. I wish I could put in words, either poetry or prose, but I struggle to every time I try. Selfless when I need her to be, selfless when I don’t. She verbally slaps me in the face when I’m being an idiot, and she’s literally the only person who ever does that. I’m not sure what I would do without her, in the frankest of senses I think I’d quite literally be dead. She’s the best person I know and is probably the only person who I can honestly say I would do anything for (including shooting 50 people, but she’d never let me do that). If she doesn’t have time for me, which I think is much of the time, she makes time for me. She’s intelligent, in every sense of the world, and the hardest worker I’ve ever met. Everything she achieves, she works hard for, and that includes relationships. No one deserves her. In my opinion, no one is good enough. How funny that is to say considering she is the elder sister. I should hope she’d think that of me, but she’s kind of morally and intellectually on a level above most of the population so my statement actually holds some truth. Maybe I’ll send this to her one day, or I’ll link her this post. To be fair, I tell her she’s amazing everyday because she is amazing everyday, almost ridiculously so.

my boyfriend:

I was talking to someone yesterday and we both agreed that relationships that last always come when you least expect it. Definitely didn’t see this one coming, and honestly, didn’t see it lasting either. Who knew? As much as I write poetry, or I rant, or I cry, I always turn around and he’s there. Well, this is definitely in the figurative sense since he now lives in Georgia…. In America……so just under 10000 miles away. I always knew he was nice, he was kind, he was friendly yadayadayada. In fact, when my best friend talked about him for the first time as a friend of her brother, I jokingly said that I’d make him fall in love with me if we ever met. This seemed highly unlikely considering he was head over heels for someone else, but I’ll save that for another time. We met alright, but I guess I fell with him. Joe has been incredible, and looking at this relationship now, I know that no matter happens, I would never regret a thing. He has unfailingly supported me. Even when I know I’m wrong,  he gives me time to work that out for myself, perhaps with a little prodding in the right direction. He just doesn’t stop taking care of me, or letting me know he loves me, and that’s much much more than I could ever ask for, and much more than I expect. Most of all he brings out the best in me and even when I push him away, even if we don’t talk for days, I know he’s there, and there’s nothing more reassuring than that in the world.

my bestfriend(s):

Jovanka is an absolute wonder to me, who, quite honestly, I will never understand. (by the way, before I continue, she is quite the poet, so check her out at www.jovankalim.wordpress.com). I genuinely cannot help but admire her ability to compartmentalize and dissolve any overtly saturated feelings or at least manage them in front of other people. It’s a skill I have yet to/should seriously learn considering I cry every 3 seconds or so regardless of who’s in the room. I love her to pieces, and I love her satirical honesty (strange way to describe it, but you would understand it if you met her). Even if what she says sometimes gets me really pissed off, she has my best intentions at heart and I always know that even if I’m a fuck about it (so if you read this, there you go!) I’m so thankful for her, especially over the last year or so now, I’ve gone through shit and she still loves me. But bitch if you read this make use of your ice-cream machine or I will most definitely take it back. Love ♡

Shanay has been a part of my life since I don’t know when – but it’s probably a good idea that I don’t try too hard to wrap my head around it. We’ve had fights and all that but she’s the kind of best friend who will take care of you and love you and always always want the best for you, so even when I disagree with her, I never get mad at her. There have been times where I haven’t always been the best friend to her, but I think I’ve learned my lesson, and honestly would not want to ever not be one of her best friends. I love her so much, and I definitely have times where she is the only person I want to talk to. I’ve had a lot of those days recently actually, and so I guess this post is all the more relevant. She’s the one person I am always more than willing to help, no matter what I’m helping with, because she has unconditionally helped me, and more than anything, she keeps me grounded and feeds me food when I’ve drank too much. What more could you ask for?

Louise, Where do I even start with Louise. I haven’t skyped her in 2 weeks. There’s a reminder that I need to in the next hour. Since fifth grade I think it has been. We didn’t start off as best friends, but maybe it’s better that way. It was only until right before she left that I truly realized how incredible she actually was – I wish I had realized earlier. I miss her so much, and its strange that this year I don’t have the three of the people I need the most in my life around me (My Sister, Joe, Louise). I guess I have skype (I should become a spokesperson). The 10 days I had in London last summer were the best 10 days of my life, just exploring my favourite city in the world with my favourite friend. Thank you for letting me stay at your house and for being amazing and always having my back, even over bbm. You are an incredible human being, yes you are, and ridiculously smart. So much love for my favourite girl who has to come home to see me.

Hello Olivier, how’s my favourite Dutch person in the whole world? Oli is incredible, I don’t really know how to explain it. He’s surprisingly sensitive to my mood swings and always just a hug and whiff of Abercrombie perfume away to making my day a million times better. I love Oli and I know I always will. Of all the people in the world, despite his slight awkwardness when I’m ridiculously drunk and showering him with affection, he is always willing to give me that hug. Always willing to take that extra cab ride to meet me for a sandwich or a coffee. I probably should see him more, and I definitely want to. Always there to talk to, but never pushes me to talk. That’s probably what I like the most about him – his friendship isn’t intrusive at all, but it is always present. He cares about me, and I know that (unless I’m completely off base). Inviting me to his parents leaving party meant so much more to me than I think he realized/realizes now. I’d light candles all the way down his driveway at the expense of my legs to mosquitos everyday if that’s what it took to keep him around.

(definition of our friendship below)

Jessie is possibly one of the most outgoing, one of the funniest and one of the most reliable people I’ve met in a long time (i.e. ever considering I’m only 17). She offers honest, perfectly personal and often hilarious advice that actually works. She kicks my ass when I’m down and she always somehow manages to make me make the most of the situation. She tells me when she understands, and lets me know when she doesn’t. Never does she take my friendship for granted, and never will I hers. We haven’t always been close, but this year has shown me how valuable she is to have as a friend. It’s even better that she lives a casual 10 minute walk away and has an extra room in her house for me to stay in. Kind of perfect really. Her mum is also flipping cool and I love them both.

Emma and I have definitely had our ups and downs, round and rounds and god knows what else, but who else do I have to turn around to to have a good time? Every night out with Emma is a good night out, and I run to her house whenever I feel upset, which is a lot. So I’m there. A lot. And no one is ever half as willing to have a stiff drink with me! Which is quite surprising, but, as bad as this sounds, Emma is the most incredible person at getting me perfectly drunk and perfectly willing to be happy. Her carefree nature is something I seriously need in my life, and probably will always need. Take things a little less seriously, live a little like Emma, but care a fuck load where it matters. That’s the way I see her, and I love her for it. If people (myself included) lived a little bit more like her, I think we’d be a hell of a lot happier.

Pear Mountain (or Li Shan hehe). Well we haven’t always been close either. In fact, we have been through a couple of fights, but I guess we became better friends for it. She cares so much for everything worth caring about, and she’s not afraid to let people know that, nor is she afraid of letting people know when they are being stupid, or aren’t wanted around at all. I’m still amazed that she’s my friend at all, not in a bad way, just that it amazes me how much she cares. More than anyone else, I think she understands me, especially in all things relationship based, just because she has been there, done that, and I thank god that I have her around this year, because when the going gets tough, Li Shan gets tough with the going.

(Naht the best photo of me, but Leesh looks stunning and I can’t find another recent one 😦 )

Raoul Benjo is pretty funny. Naht even pretty funny. Very funny. Ridiculously so. A bit of an asshole too, but I only say that because sometimes his honestly hurts. At least you always know he’s being honest, and he’s always amazing either way. He’s wittier than most, almost all people I know, and we haven’t talked much recently, but the reason I love him so much is because he’ll be there when I need him to be there, and he’ll tell me I’m fishing for compliments when I am. If someone were going to tell you that you’d gained weight, it would be Raoul, and thank god he would. Who else would I turn to to tell me I’m being a pathetic bitch? I love him so much for that, he’ll hate on me for being cheesy but fuck that. Hi Raoul, go have a wank, you deserve it.

In the words of Borat, or one of Sacha’s movies: wa wa wee wa is the only way to describe Tamawa (actually Tamara, but for the sake of my meager joke). She’s been coming to my Christmas Eve dinners and I’ve been going to her Christmas Day lunches since the sixth grade, and let me tell you, there is noone better to share a cold turkey leftover sandwich with than Tamara Cave Jones. She’s actually so incredibly stunning inside in out, and I’m so happy she’s happy and I can’t even find any words to describe her. She’s pretty amazing. Definitely owe her half of my nights out.

Really need to get around to talking to Gyeong Yeon more, since I haven’t had a proper conversation or dinner or anything with him in the longest time. You know that one friend who you wish you could hate because they are perfect. At everything? Yeah. That’s Josh. Art, music, drama, math, physics I want to vomit on him right now he is so incredible. And an incredible person too. Hilarious and so outspoken, so confident in who he is, god knows how much I love him and always have. Even when we weren’t friends, I wanted to be friends with him. Thank god we’re friends now or I’d be clinging onto his coat tails trying to become his friend. He’s always there even when he’s in Korea, and I will always always feed him if he needs me to (which is always…. so I do.)

Tanmaya Kabraaa I’ve probably known you for the shortest amout of time but boy oh boy do I loooooveee you. I probably stay in touch with you more than anyone overseas (save maybe Joe, but only maybe). Thank you for hardly knowing me, but still not mocking me (too much) for telling you about not remembering drinks, parties, sex anything because I was too drunk. That hasn’t happened in a while, so I guess I’ll have to step up my game. Go hard or go home in Babson. Preferably go home i.e. come home because I miss you :’) (Also, a brilliant wildlife photographer and blogger so check him out here and here)